Creative Juices Flowing...

Hey guys!

Well, first of all, I hope you all had a very MERRY Christmas. Our family sure did! Jason and I decided for the first time since we've been married NOT to do gifts for each other. We had talked about getting a new desktop MAC computer, but then after talking about it just decided not to. As I mentioned in a previous post, we are planning to start the adoption process soon, and because of the financial obligation, we knew that wasn't the best use of our money.

However, my mom sure did surprise me with something I NEVER thought I would get. I'm that person who thinks she can NEVER be surprised. Well, congratulations mom! She got me a Silhouette Cameo. What you might ask? Well, here she is in all her beauty:

This is a machine that can do SO many things! First, it can cut vinyl! Can you tell? The first thing I did was to buy some pink and black vinyl so I could put my initials on my Cameo. It turned out great right? Well, I got to browsing pinterest and found so many other things I could do with my cameo. I can create AWESOME art! Here are some samples I've done this week:

 Personalized coasters

 12x24" wall art (subway art)

 12x12" personalized wall art

8x10" wall art (subway art)

Crafty huh? I'm in love with this thing, and I must admit that I've kind of neglected my sweet husband because I'm so intrigued at what I can do! It's so much fun and I love making all these fun items! My mom has now created a monster...but a good monster! 

So, back to adoption. Jason and I realize how expensive adoption is, and we know that if God has brought us to this journey, He most certainly will not be stopped by financial burdens. So, I feel like He has given me all these ideas of how we can raise money to help fund our future adoption. One way is through all the art I'm excited to be making. 

Another idea I had after reading an AMAZING woman's blog on her and her husband's adoption journey is to make personalized necklaces by hand stamping them. Here's one I did last week:

 I had a little problem with the "a" in faith, but hey...this was my first one and you have to stamp every letter individually. So, I think it was pretty good for the first try! Here's one I made for my mom for Christmas:

My brother's name and my name with little jewels:)

Here's another one I did:

I love this saying! And it's so true for adoptive parents/children/EVERYONE to remember. Just because I may not be able to conceive my own biological child doesn't mean anything! Love makes a family! 

So, once I have all my materials in hand (a lot of circular blanks for me to stamp, stamp, stamp) I will start selling these too! Be on the lookout for these. 

I thank God for opening up this adoption door for us. I feel like it's been an option all along, and He knew it was a path we should take, but we had to find out for ourselves. Thank you all, friends, family, etc. who love us and support us! I can't wait to choose an agency or lawyer to work with and REALLY start this journey. We are close, and we are ready! Please keep us in your prayers when you think about us! XOXO

Katie

Where the heart is

Well, it's been a week since Jason and I found out we were not pregnant. I don't know why, but I had  a negative feeling about the results going in to have my blood work done. Maybe it was because I've NEVER seen a positive pregnancy test of my own. Maybe it was the Lord trying to tell me that it's just not time yet. But, whatever the reason, finding out you are not pregnant after all the months of preparation is devastating. It doesn't matter how prepared for the "no" you are, the words coming from my good friend's mouth were real, and I felt them deep down in my heart. I tried my best not to start crying in front of her, but I think that's expected. I tried to hold it together as long as I could, but eventually the tears fell, and they fell hard. On the way home, I continued to remember that this is a journey. It's certainly not over, and this bump/fork/stop sign, whatever you want to call it, is just that. Our journey is far from over. I came across this quote on a fellow blogger's page and thought it was appropriate:

The now...that's what today is. Now IS right on time. It's right where God intended us to be, and it is our job to rejoice in that and be happy. He is a good God who knows the future and more importantly, holds our future in the palm of his hand. Every shot, every cramp, every pill, every patch was an important part of this journey that continues. While the results were not as WE expected, God knew all along. I think He has big plans. This "no" was just the first step in our soon to be "yes."

So, what's next? Well, I think I should go back a couple years for those of you who don't know me or my heart. Before Jason and I were married (but we were dating), we went to church together one morning and it was being held in the gym because our sanctuary was being renovated. We walked in, sat down, and a few minutes later, another couple walked in with their child who was obviously adopted (internationally). She was a beautiful little Korean girl who held her daddy's hand and looked up at him with the most love and admiration. I felt a lump in my throat as I watched that sweet interaction and believe that was the first time the Lord said "Katie, I want you to adopt."

Obviously at that time I had no idea that Jason and I would have trouble conceiving a child of our own. I just figured one day after we had children of our own, and hopefully the finances to do so, we would adopt. Well, I've felt that lump or tug at my heart since then many times. After trying to conceive on our own for a year and not having an luck, I told Jason about how I felt towards adoption. He wasn't really on board. I took that kind of hard and couldn't understand why God would call me to adoption, but not my husband. Maybe he just needed some time. And time I gave him.

We never thought IVF would even be an option for us because of the expense, and since we knew adoption was also very expensive, we figured we would put our money toward adopting a child instead of running the risk of not getting pregnant with IVF. I couldn't wrap my head around spending an insane amount of money on something that wasn't for sure going to give us a child. However, after talking with my insurance company, we realized IVF was actually in reach (and less expensive than adoption with insurance coverage). While adopting was still in the back of my head, my husband and I felt the door open to try IVF. So we did, and here we are today.

Thoughts in my head are (have been): Did I disobey God's calling by doing IVF? Should we have just started adoption and not spent that money on IVF? Did I waste two and a half months of our life doing IVF just to have it fail?

Every time I have one of those questions, I just remember that God knew all along what the journey would look like. We can't go back, nor do I want to. This experience has touched not only our lives, but many lives to whom I can't even count. To God be the glory for this. I can't wait to see what happens next!

So, what are we doing now? We are looking at adoption agencies and law firms that specialize in adoption, etc. to find the best fit for us. If you know me, I want everything done yesterday, so I'm having to sometimes take a step back or just a pause to make sure what we are doing is right for us. Luckily, I have a pretty great husband who keeps me grounded and even though sometimes I don't like it, he makes me realize that maybe I'm in too much of a rush. I'm thankful for him.

Please continue to pray for us on this journey. We don't know where it leads. We are ok with that. Please pray the Lord would so clearly show us the right people to work with. Pray He will show us how the financial aspect will work out. Please pray for the child (children) He already knows will be a part of our family. Please pray for Jason and me as we open up our heart to something that may not be as comfortable as it is for others. Thank you again for all your love, all your prayers, all your comments, all your messages, and your friendship. The Lord truly blessed us with great people surrounding us.

Much love! XOXO

Not yet my child...

That's what God told us today. We took off work and went into PREG at 8:30 this morning for my blood work. I figured it would be hours until we found out, but my good friend, Lindsay, said they can do a preliminary serum test that would only take 10 minutes to find out. Then, they would continue to complete the full blood test. That 10 minutes in the waiting room felt like forever, but I couldn't help having this overwhelming feeling that it just wasn't going to happen. I hate thinking negatively and I have always prayed the test would come out positive, but deep in my soul I just wasn't feeling very positive about the results.

Lindsay came around from the other direction and motioned for me to come to her. I knew at that point the news was not good. She told me the test came back negative and that she was just so sorry. For the last 2 weeks I imagined my reaction for positive or negative news. I've had negative news (about pregnancy) for a long time so I knew how those emotions would look. Yes, I cried in front of her and we hugged and I know she was genuinely so sad for us. We were sad for us. But it is what it is. We are not pregnant, and it's ok.

Lindsay asked me if I wanted to see Dr. Payne to talk with him, and I just couldn't think of anything we could talk about. So, I declined. We had no frozen embryos. This was the only shot. What more is there to talk about? Some people may want to know what happened. What is the reasoning behind the negative test result? What could we have done better? Did I do something wrong? Not me. I don't feel that I need to know all those details. All I need to know is that God said "Not yet my child."

I have the sweetest, most loving, caring, truly amazing family and friends in the world. You all have supported us through this moment in time and I know there will be more moments at some point that you guys will continue to be with us. We really could not ask for more. God knew what He was doing when He so perfectly placed each and every one of you into our lives. Please know we love you very much and thank you for all the prayers you have lifted on our behalf. You'll never fully know the impact.

God is not finished with Jason and Katie Hill. Please do not think that because He didn't give us a child through this IVF procedure that He is not good or faithful. He is both and so much more. He will give us a child in His time, and we are content with waiting and be patient. I posted a verse on my facebook account the other day from Habakkuk 2:3. It reads:

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, SURELY, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late BY A SINGLE DAY."

We humans have a problem with patience. I think it's just in our DNA. And since our world is all about NOW, NOW, NOW, many people have a hard time waiting for what they so desperately want. Many seem to give up and get mad at God when He doesn't do what He said He was going to do at the exact time WE wanted Him to do it. Shame on us for not taking the Lord at His word. Guys, He DOES amazing things. He WILL DO amazing things. But, He wants us to wait on Him. Aren't the greatest gifts you have in life the ones you waited for?

So, we take one step at a time. We ask for healing hearts. We ask the Lord to open a new door, now that He has closed this one. We ask Him to help us be patient. We ask Him to continue blessing our family for waiting on His perfect plan. We ask Him to bless others through the journey we've been on. I remember at the very beginning of this journey I wrote to you all something to the sound of: If only one person sees the goodness of the Lord through this journey, it was all worth it and I'd do it all over again. I stand to tell you I feel the same now that I did then. 

God is good, all the time. Believe. 

IVF #1 6DPT

How many of you read that title and were like "what is she talking about?" Well, most of my infertile friends know what I'm talking about! And just in case you are curious, here are a few abbreviations infertile bloggers use (often):

AF = Aunt Flo (menstruation)
ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology
BD = Baby Dance (sex)
BFN = Big Fat Negative (pregnancy test result)BFP = Big Fat Positive  (pregnancy test result)
BW, b/w = Blood work
DPO = Days Post-Ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
DP3DT = Days Post 3-Day Transfer
DP3DT = Days Post 5-Day Transfer
EPT = Early Pregnancy Test
ET = Embryo Transfer
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HSG = Hysterosalpingogram
ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IF = Infertility
IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
LH = Luteinizing Hormone
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
TTC = Trying to Conceive
US, u/s = Ultrasound

Those are just a few...for more, check out this site. 

So, my title of this post means "Invitro Fertilization #1 6 Days past Transfer." Today is the 6th day after the transfer of my sweet little embryos back into my uterus. Some people might think the shots are the hardest part, but everyone who has gotten to the 2WW (oops, another acronym..2 week wait) probably thinks this is the hardest part. WAITING! 

Everything you feel, you analyze. What does it mean? Should I be feeling that? Have other infertiles who have been through IVF felt that? Then, you go to the web looking for the symptoms you are feeling and try to figure out if it's normal. I suppose you can keep doing this everyday, all day, but the fact is that the transfer is God's business. Well, ALL OF THIS is God's business, but my doctors can't make my embryos "stick." We've known from day 1 of this process that God's plan will ultimately prevail. Whatever His plan, we accept. If having a baby (or babies) through IVF isn't it....ok. 

We've got a little more waiting to do (a week or so) until it's time to test, so until then we are continuing to pray God will keep us in the center of His will and if it's to have a baby, we ask Him to protect those little embryos. If it's not the plan, we are praying for Him to prepare us for the results. We ask that you continue to pray for our journey and to continue to ask God for His provision over our family. 

Until next time, sticky thoughts and baby dust!!!!!

All I want for Christmas...

is for my 2 embryos to attach and allow me to become a mommy.

Today is the day after the embryo transfer, and I chose to take the day off from work (and tomorrow) to just rest and relax. The transfer went well and 2 lovely little embryos were put back into my uterus. Here's a picture of them:

It's a little crazy that I could potentially show these to my children one day and show them what they used to look like!

While we got some really good quality little guys to put back, the embryologist told me yesterday that currently there were not any embryos they could freeze. None of them were good enough quality to freeze. But, she said they would give them one more day to develop and call tomorrow (today) and let us know if any of them could be frozen. Well, I got the call, and to my dismay, there are none to freeze. So, this is it.

Tears flooded my face and still continue to fall now as I type because I'm scared. I still trust the Lord completely with our lives and with this process, but I will be honest and say that I at least wanted that "back-up plan" in case it didn't work this time. Now, we know for sure there is no back-up plan.

My husband and I understood what we were getting ourselves into when we started this process and we are going to continue to believe that we are journeying through this for a reason. I pray God will give us those two babies, but if He chooses not to, we will accept His decision and move forward. We will continue to believe that He will give us the desire to be parents somehow, someway.

Will you please pray with us during this time of waiting? This is most definitely the hardest part, and your prayers have given us strength. Will you believe with us that Jesus can and will work a miracle? This could be the best Christmas present we've ever received.