Where the heart is

Well, it's been a week since Jason and I found out we were not pregnant. I don't know why, but I had  a negative feeling about the results going in to have my blood work done. Maybe it was because I've NEVER seen a positive pregnancy test of my own. Maybe it was the Lord trying to tell me that it's just not time yet. But, whatever the reason, finding out you are not pregnant after all the months of preparation is devastating. It doesn't matter how prepared for the "no" you are, the words coming from my good friend's mouth were real, and I felt them deep down in my heart. I tried my best not to start crying in front of her, but I think that's expected. I tried to hold it together as long as I could, but eventually the tears fell, and they fell hard. On the way home, I continued to remember that this is a journey. It's certainly not over, and this bump/fork/stop sign, whatever you want to call it, is just that. Our journey is far from over. I came across this quote on a fellow blogger's page and thought it was appropriate:

The now...that's what today is. Now IS right on time. It's right where God intended us to be, and it is our job to rejoice in that and be happy. He is a good God who knows the future and more importantly, holds our future in the palm of his hand. Every shot, every cramp, every pill, every patch was an important part of this journey that continues. While the results were not as WE expected, God knew all along. I think He has big plans. This "no" was just the first step in our soon to be "yes."

So, what's next? Well, I think I should go back a couple years for those of you who don't know me or my heart. Before Jason and I were married (but we were dating), we went to church together one morning and it was being held in the gym because our sanctuary was being renovated. We walked in, sat down, and a few minutes later, another couple walked in with their child who was obviously adopted (internationally). She was a beautiful little Korean girl who held her daddy's hand and looked up at him with the most love and admiration. I felt a lump in my throat as I watched that sweet interaction and believe that was the first time the Lord said "Katie, I want you to adopt."

Obviously at that time I had no idea that Jason and I would have trouble conceiving a child of our own. I just figured one day after we had children of our own, and hopefully the finances to do so, we would adopt. Well, I've felt that lump or tug at my heart since then many times. After trying to conceive on our own for a year and not having an luck, I told Jason about how I felt towards adoption. He wasn't really on board. I took that kind of hard and couldn't understand why God would call me to adoption, but not my husband. Maybe he just needed some time. And time I gave him.

We never thought IVF would even be an option for us because of the expense, and since we knew adoption was also very expensive, we figured we would put our money toward adopting a child instead of running the risk of not getting pregnant with IVF. I couldn't wrap my head around spending an insane amount of money on something that wasn't for sure going to give us a child. However, after talking with my insurance company, we realized IVF was actually in reach (and less expensive than adoption with insurance coverage). While adopting was still in the back of my head, my husband and I felt the door open to try IVF. So we did, and here we are today.

Thoughts in my head are (have been): Did I disobey God's calling by doing IVF? Should we have just started adoption and not spent that money on IVF? Did I waste two and a half months of our life doing IVF just to have it fail?

Every time I have one of those questions, I just remember that God knew all along what the journey would look like. We can't go back, nor do I want to. This experience has touched not only our lives, but many lives to whom I can't even count. To God be the glory for this. I can't wait to see what happens next!

So, what are we doing now? We are looking at adoption agencies and law firms that specialize in adoption, etc. to find the best fit for us. If you know me, I want everything done yesterday, so I'm having to sometimes take a step back or just a pause to make sure what we are doing is right for us. Luckily, I have a pretty great husband who keeps me grounded and even though sometimes I don't like it, he makes me realize that maybe I'm in too much of a rush. I'm thankful for him.

Please continue to pray for us on this journey. We don't know where it leads. We are ok with that. Please pray the Lord would so clearly show us the right people to work with. Pray He will show us how the financial aspect will work out. Please pray for the child (children) He already knows will be a part of our family. Please pray for Jason and me as we open up our heart to something that may not be as comfortable as it is for others. Thank you again for all your love, all your prayers, all your comments, all your messages, and your friendship. The Lord truly blessed us with great people surrounding us.

Much love! XOXO