Truly Thankful

As I sit and reflect on a day like today, I have much to thank the Lord for. I thank him for:

my sweet family
my loving husband
my faithful dog, Bentley
my health
my job
my amazing friends
a gorgeous home
vehicles to get me where I need to go
food to prepare for meals
heat for the cold winter months
a church filled with people who love and serve the Lord unselfishly
a life group I call family

and the list goes on. But as I read this list over and over, I realize that many of these things are just that, THINGS. Many are things that will just pass away. The one thing that I am forever grateful for is God sending His son, Jesus, to earth in order to die for my sins, so that I could live in Heaven with Him forever. What a price to pay! For God to look at me and think I am worth dying for is mind boggling. I am a sinner, and confess to sinning on a daily basis, and for someone to come and wipe the slate clean is quite amazing. What an incredible Love! Someone who could do something like this for me, I believe can do anything!

Believe! Lord, I believe you will do great things! Lord, I believe you will answer my prayers.

These are words I have had a hard time saying when it comes to my infertility. I have to admit this. I find myself wondering if this is REALLY going to happen this time. We've tried everything else, and it seems like THIS IS IT! So, what if it doesn't work?

Satan is really good at making us feel defeat. If we feel defeated, then we have already lost the battle. I've heard that little voice in my head lately as we get closer and closer to the big procedures. "What if it doesn't work?" "You're never going to get pregnant." "Just give up." That's exactly what Satan would love for me to do. And you know, it would definitely be easy to just wallow in self pity and let others pity me and feel sorry for me. It would be easy to just quit the journey and blame God for not allowing us to get pregnant. However, I'm not that kind of girl. Satan will have to work a little harder to get me down. I'm a princess of the King, and I BELIEVE He will answer my prayer and give me the desire of my heart.

From the last blog post, Healing, one of the things the paster said we have to do is Believe Christ will answer us. Quit questioning Him and thinking of the worst. Believe that He will work that miracle in your life. Believe He can do that for you. Believe that you are special enough to Him that He will heal your hurting heart, cure that disease, mend that relationship, get you back to work, GIVE YOU THE CHILD YOU'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF. Just believe. Trust. Be faithful to the one who took your (my) place. He is faithful, always, to us.

So, in those moments where you question His ability, remember to believe. Remember, that through Him, anything is is possible. Remember these verses that Jesus gave us in his word:

Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

This challenge is for me and for anyone else out there facing adversity. I do not have all the answers, but through the many miracles I see and read about on a daily basis, I for one, have seen the true power of the King. He can do ALL things we thought were never possible. Just believe.

Healing

Today was a very different day at FBS. Our paster, Don Wilton, has been preaching from James for the past 3-4 weeks and we've focused on Identity Crisis. We've talked about Favoritism, the Future, Money, and today he talked about Suffering and Healing from James 5. Last week, we were challenged to bring someone, anyone, who we knew was suffering--emotionally, physically, etc. A few people definitely came to my mind, but I never asked them to come with us. I didn't realize it was actually me who needed healing.

Many of you read my blog and probably think, "She's really brave," or "She must be really strong to put all her business out there for the world to see." And I have to admit that all the strength I have only comes from above. Jesus has truly given me a mission to share my personal journey of infertility with you so that somehow, at some time, some one might see Jesus through this journey. I never thought I would ever make this blog public for my closest friends and acquaintances to read. It simply started as a  random blog for other bloggers who I would never meet to possibly read and relate. But somewhere in my journey, the Lord spoke to me and told me to share. And I chose to do just that.

However, while much of the time I put on a brave face and a big smile, there are quiet moments in the day where I'm by myself and I am scared to death--not of the injections and how some of them may hurt or make me feel. But I'm scared that if this journey doesn't give us a successful pregnancy, people may think God didn't answer our prayers. Please know, whatever the result, my God is faithful and He is Good and He will provide in His way and in His time. I trust Him completely, and I hope those of you who read will see only the strength He provides in this trying time. While a negative pregnancy test would be disappointing, I would never go back and do this stage in our lives differently. God opened this door for us for a reason. We aren't quite sure yet, but we know our job is to continue to walk.

So, back to the service this morning. Dr. Wilton gave us four points about what the Lord says in His word about Suffering and Healing. They are as follows:

1. Be believing--even in your suffering, believe God will do great things and believe He will heal you
2. Be open-hearted--don't be trapped by your circumstance, but instead, allow people to surround you, pray for you, and walk with you on your journey--don't do it alone!
3. Be humble--sometimes we allow our pride to get in the way and we decide to suffer in silence--be vocal about your struggle and seek help from others
4. Be expectant--expect that God will answer your prayers

As I went through this list, I felt as if I could put a check beside each one. At first, I wanted to do this by myself and not tell anyone about this "problem." How weird was I that I couldn't get pregnant? What would people think? Eventually, I opened up my heart and the Lord spoke. I started with my family and close friends, and then eventually posted my blog to FaceBook for my other friends to read. I thought, "I'd rather have a HUGE number of people on my side asking the Lord for the same thing than just me asking Him." And finally, I'm still getting better about being expectant. Sometimes the devil rears his head and asks me "What are you going to do if you don't get pregnant? You've waited so long and prayed so hard. Just GIVE UP." I'm learning to ignore that voice and expect that God WILL answer my prayer.

My sweet husband saw the suffering all over my face this morning as tears rolled down my cheeks and simply asked me if I wanted to go down to the alter and ask someone to pray for us. While it was in the back of my head, I kept telling myself that my "suffering" wasn't "like" other people who were sick, in pain, battling cancer, etc. I decided to go, with his leadership, and it was the sweetest time with our friend who prayed over us. Another hand landed on my back after a minute or two and I felt the Spirit of the Lord covering us with His love and grace. What a time of healing it was!

I would urge anyone who is suffering in ANY way to seek out someone you trust and ask them to pray with/for you. Don't suffer in silence and never experience the kind of healing I felt in my heart today. To know other people are walking with me and praying over me daily means the world to my husband and I. What a truly special feeling that is. As I continue to walk through this door the Lord opened for me, my prayer is that He continue to open more doors and close others that simply aren't in His plan for me. Won't you do the same? If you don't have anyone that will pray for/with you, I will be that person. Please let me know if I can ever serve any of you. It would be my pleasure.

From one to THREE

Yesterday was the beginning of the major fertility medications to help grow my follicles that will eventually house eggs for retrieval. Since November 7th, I've been taking the Lupron injection (10 cc) each night to prevent ovulation. The goal was to keep me from ovulating so that the doctor can trigger ovulation when my follicles have grown to a good size. This past Wednesday I had an U/S and blood work done at PREG to make sure everything was still looking good and my hormone levels were where they should be. In the U/S, Stephanie (my awesome nurse), was still seeing 12-15 follicles in each ovary which means I have that many which potentially can grow and be suitable to retrieve.

The two additional injections added to the regimen yesterday were low dose HCG and the Gonal-F Pen. What is this you may ask? Well, to put it simply, us women have hormones in our body that help stimulate follicle growth called FSH and LH. So, for those of us infertiles who need a boost, these medications do what our body is not doing for us. Some of you may have heard of the "LH surge" before. For those of you lucky enough to use ovulation predictor kits to predict when you will ovulate, that smiley face that shows up on the stick is there because of the LH hormone. It surges anywhere from 24-48 hours before ovulation and then ovulation follows. So, all of these injections are just helping us women who aren't so lucky.

So far, I have felt completely normal through this entire process. The process has included folic acid every day, birth control for about a month to keep me from ovulating, Lupron overlaped the birth control for several days which I continue to take (birth control has stopped), now I'm taking Doxycycline and 81mg of Asprin in the morning with breakfast, and yesterday was the first day adding the low dose HCG and Gonal-F Pen. After egg retrieval, there will be more. I feel really good and hope I continue to have a wonderful IVF experience. It's really been very easy.

I had a good friend, Susie, ask me to go see Twilight "Breaking Dawn Part 2" last night and told me it started at 7:40pm. I have been taking my injection(s) at 8pm each night and wondered if I could take them a little earlier so I could have a GNO. The nurse said that was no biggie, so I rounded up all my meds (HCG and Gonal-F must be refrigerated so they traveled with me in a cooler) and headed for the theater. I stopped at Rite Aid to grab some goodies and decided to hang out in the parking lot to do my injections before heading to the theater. Enjoy the video:)
By the way, Breaking Dawn part 2 was really awesome and even though it was the last of the Twilight Saga, the ending was really perfect!

Next week, I've got a 7:30am appt at PREG to see how the meds are working and to re-evaluate the dosage of each medication. I will have an appointment every other day or so for them to continue monitoring me and making sure the follicle growth is progressing as it should be. Keep praying for us and for a successful pregnancy to come from this. We put all our faith in Jesus Christ and know He will be glorified through this process regardless of the results.

1st Lupron Injection of IVF cycle November 2012

Wow, I can't believe the time is finally here for us to start injections. It seems like just yesterday that we were heading to PREG for our new patient meeting with Dr. Payne, and today I gave myself my first injection. Toward the end of the month is when we'll do the egg retrieval and the transfer 5 days later. Could all my dreams be coming true before Christmas? I sure hope and pray the Lord will give us a child (children :) ) through this process! What a Christmas present that would be!

Well, I decided to document each step of this process mainly so I can remember everything I go through, but also to help those of my friends, family, acquaintances, and people I don't even know who follow my blog and pray for us to understand what IVF is like. I want to give as much support to those going through infertility as I can, because I've been there when you feel like you're all alone! Please know I'm more than happy to talk with you or just be there to listen to you if you need a friend along the same journey.

Well, here's the video from tonight:) I kinda look like a pro, but this is the FIRST time I've ever given myself an injection. It's truly as they say.."Not bad at all!"

P.S. "The Soup" was on TV in the background and I found myself starring at the hilarity going on there!

Meds, meds, and MORE meds

We met with my personal nurse who is my "go to" nurse through this entire process on Monday. This was the day we were going to be told about all our meds, learn how to inject, ingest, etc. the meds, and when to take said meds. And let me just say...I've never seen so many meds one person has to take in a 2-3 week period of time. But hey, it's worth it, right?

So, I continue to take my birth control pill until Nov 12th. However, I will start an injection called Lupron on Nov 7th while still on the birth control. This is one of the small needles that will be injected into the stomach area. No biggie, right? I guess we'll see! I'll have an ultrasound on Nov 14th to see how everything looks, and start my other 2 injections on Nov 16th. So, at this point, I'll be doing 3 injections a night (Lupron, Gonal-F, and Low dose hCG), each of which are injected in the stomach area. I hope after the first few, it will be like second nature:) Also while doing these injections, I will be on Doxycycline (antibiotic-to keep me as healthy as possible) and Aspirin.
The following video is an example of several injections I will do in the stomach area.
While on these meds, I will have appointments for blood work and ultrasounds every couple of days to monitor the follicles and measure their growth. They will look for the follicles to grow to be around 18-21 mm in diameter before deciding when the egg retrieval will be. The goal of all these injections is to stimulate the follicles enough so that the doctor can retrieve a good number to be fertilized.

Now, this is just an estimate, but retrieval could be around Nov 27th. I will get some good 'ol anesthesia   during the retrieval because they use a small needle to pierce the ovaries and suck the eggs out. I can't imagine being awake for that. OUCH! The big OUCH, however, will be the lovely Progesterone shot (in oil) I will be getting each morning every day after the retrieval. For those of you who don't know, your body naturally produces Progesterone after ovulating, but the more you have the better. You need Progesterone for implantation to be successful. The bad part is that this needle is LONG and BIG and it's oil going in which is thicker than other solutions. AND...it goes in your backside. I'm sure Jason will enjoy giving those!
Here is an example of what the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) shot looks like...
While taking the Progesterone shots daily, I will also have an estrogen patch I will wear (changing out every other day). Lastly, the embryologist will decide whether to transfer the embryos back to the uterus either 3 days after retrieval or 5 days after. Most of the time, if you have a good number of embryos, they will wait until day 5. The reason is because if the embryos can grow well and cells are dividing well in the lab by day 5, they have a really good chance of becoming a successful pregnancy. Day 3 transfers are usually done when someone doesn't have a ton of embryos and they don't want to wait two extra days incase some of those don't make it to day 5.

The fun part! On the day of the transfer, I get to take a Valium to relax my body (mostly my uterus so it doesn't contract and cause problems after the transfer). So, I'll definitely be taking a few days off work to just chill and let that (those) embryos implant into the endometrium lining. God willing, we will have a baby (babies) in Sept of 2013.

Thank you all for your continued prayers. We covet all of the sweet messages and notes. You guys mean more to us than you'll know! We love you!

Blood work, U/S...next step, IVF Orientation

Friday, I took off work and went to PREG for an appt to take more blood and do an initial ultrasound. Jason went with me because he had to get some blood work done as well (the only time he has to be stuck-lucky him). I finally met the nurse I will be working closely with through the process, and I just love her already. She is just very sweet, compassionate, caring, and knows how to answer all my questions in just the right way! Having a good nurse/doctor makes this experience much easier!

During my ultrasound, she looked at my endometrium and both ovaries to see how many follicles I was producing. Obviously, since I'm on birth control right now my endometrium lining was thin (as it should be) but once I start taking some of the meds, it will thicken up and be ready for implantation. She saw 10-12 follicles on each side, so once I'm on the meds, hopefully I'll have good numbers of follicles to grow nice and big!

The next step happens tomorrow. We have another appointment (orientation) to meet with our nurse and discuss the IVF process and how to give all the meds. She will teach us how to mix all the medicines together, load them into the syringes, and inject myself with them. Some will be medicines I have to mix a powder substance with water, while other meds are already mixed and ready to go in a "pen" like contraption that you twist a certain many times for the correct dosage. I will be doing 3 injections a day for a good 10-14 days to stimulate the ovaries. These will be done at night at a certain hour. I'm hoping after I do the first few, it will be easy. I've watched lots of youtube videos of women giving themselves the injections and they say it's not really as bad as it seems. I have no problem with needles so I think I'll be fine:)

 I think I can, I think I can!

Mixing meds/withdrawing meds

I'm sure I've already told you all this, but November 19th is the first day of injections. We are just continuing to pray the Lord will grant us this desire to have a baby (babies??) and that we can use this experience (successful or not) to help others dealing with infertility. It can be a lonely road by yourself, but reaching out to others in your position can be comforting. I hope I can be someone others look to for advice, information, and encouragement! It's been wonderful to have that in my position! I'll let you guys know how tomorrow goes. I know we're going to learn lots of information at one time. Hopefully, I'll remember everything when next month rolls around!

IVF Seminar and what's next...

Jason and I went to PREG's IVF Seminar last Thursday night in Greenville, and my doctor, Dr. John Payne, was the presenter for the evening. PREG puts on these seminars once a month, FOR FREE, AND...gives you a $250 credit for treatment through them. What a deal! The seminar is for anyone. You might be thinking about IVF or just want more information. All are welcome. Just go to www.pregonline.com and register.

Most of the information I felt I already knew, but it was nice for my mom, Jason, and myself to all be in the same room, hearing the same information. Most of the time it's me learning the info and having to relay it to them. So that was nice:) To start, general information was given about what needs to happen for women to get pregnant, lots of stats about pregnancy ratings and the way the female's age factors into the percentages. Then, other factors were discussed including problems women have, problems men have, and what can be done to work around these issues.

Lastly, IVF was discussed in detail and success rates were shown for the different age brackets. For those less than 35, there is a 60% chance of pregnancy when 2 embryos are transferred, 30% chance of twins, and less than 10% chance of triplets. This is compared to a 5% chance each month of pregnancy for couples who experience infertility. That's a huge increase and we are hoping we fall into the majority.

So, where am I right now in the process? Well, I currently started my new cycle and I'm required to take birth control until the start date for my injections. WHAT, you might ask? Aren't you trying to get pregnant? HA! I asked the same thing. Basically, our doctors have an injection start date each month and you must take birth control (not get pregnant on your own) until it's time for you to start those injections. This way, the doctors know you are not/have not ovulated. They are controlling your cycle so that when you start injections, that medication will tell your body what to do, and hopefully start producing lots of follicles with soon to be mature eggs inside.

So, I start my BC tomorrow and will be on that until November 17th which is my injection start date. I will do injections for 10-14 days while monitored by ultrasounds often (every couple days). The doctors keep close watch so if needed, they can change up the medication if need be. After that, they wills schedule the egg retrieval day where they will retrieve all the follicles (hoping for an egg in each one), get a sperm sample from my husband, and fertilize the eggs that day. They will watch them for 3-5 days and once they are ready to go back in, the doctors will find the best 2 (God willing there are 2 or more) and transfer them back to my uterus. NOW, their only job will be to implant.

It's going to be a crazy time, but I feel completely ready, relaxed, and pray the Lord will keep me feeling that way. We covet your prayers and hope to be pregnant by the end of the year!